I have really dropped the ball lately with my blogging and I truly apologize for the grief it caused you and your loved ones. I would promise it won’t happen again but frankly I can barely commit to plans a day in advance.
Just relax now, beloved friends, for I am back in action.
A few days ago, a new homeless man was lurking about the street corners near my work looking attractive as all get out with scruffy facial hair and a beaming smile. It was plain to see that this man, who was begging for money, was happier than I was and I certainly couldn’t have that, now could I? On a whim, I went straight up to my boss’s office and quit and then I went right back to the sexy homeless man’s corner and jacked him of all the money he had earned that day just because I couldn’t stand to see his arrogant smile.
As it turned out, he was smiling because he was extremely high and I quit my job for no reason at all. None the less, here I am, unemployed.
Since the days of my unemployment, I have really taken a turn for the worse. My health has declined rapidly and I no longer have health insurance. If you don’t pity me enough already, here is the kicker: the gas station nearest to me no longer sells my favorite wine.
On the bright side, I've finally found a way to look your absolute worst and still go out in public:
Give it a shot and you won't be let down. My unemployment and imending death is really paying off for you people so it's a shame I start my new job on Monday. And don't worry, I will still have plenty of amazing resumes to share with you in the new job!
Until then, I will be day drinking my life away... Cheers!