Thursday, May 9, 2013

I'M BACK! and WITH TONS OF FREE STUFF!


Hello there old friends. Well, America has asked --- or at least 4 Americans have asked, and I am back in action. For today at least. Also I was lying about the free stuff.


I haven’t blogged in a solid 2 months so as you can imagine, a lot has changed in my life. I would go so far to say that I’m a whole new woman. What has changed, you ask?

1.       I popped out 4 babes with 4 separate baby daddies. I was fairly certain one of them wasn’t mine so I kicked him to the curb after a few hours of desperately trying to connect with him. The other three didn’t make it past the first 3 weeks. I assumed raising a babe would be very similar to raising a dog but boy, was I wrong. I will try again in a few years but in the meantime, I’m 100% open to babysitting your children to get a little practice in so I’m fully prepared next time. Fair warning, if your child cries while I’m knee deep in double fisting vodka, there’s little to no chance I will tend to the babe immediately. Rest assure, I will chug my drinks quickly though. This is bound to teach your kiddos a lesson in patience so you can thank me by paying me a little extra. (Email me for babysitting requests. Hurry though, I suspect I will book up quickly)

2.       I was recently voted “Fitness Queen 2013” which was completely flattering and totally well deserved. While normally I don’t like to brag about my accomplishments, I felt this was worth disclosing since it was an award given to me by the President of the United States. Or at least somebody who looked a lot like him. In hindsight, it may have been more of a flyer than an award.

3.       I started a new job and was promoted within just a few days to a window washer. At first I was a little taken aback as window washing seemed to be a few steps below me but when I got my uniform and name tag, I knew I was just a step away from being CEO. As you can guess, I’m totally killing it. I get addressed a few times a day about leaving too many streaks in the windows and sometimes I get scolded for making faces in the foggy windows but other than that, I think they are really pleased with what I’m doing and I go to sleep at night knowing I made the world a better place.

4.       While this may come as a shock as I’m just one step away from having full ownership of my new company, the window washing gig does not pay well. I’ve been kicked out of my apartment and am looking for a new place to reside. I’m not super dirty and I only have 3 pets; 2 alive, 1 stuffed. The live ones are super easy to maintain but the stuffed one is a surprisingly lively little sucker so if you are open to sharing your bed with all four of us, we can move in immediately. We prefer king size beds as we do have standards but at this point, we are open to queen or even a full + a twin. Garden tub mandatory and that’s obvious. (Side note, if the cat is a deal-breaker for you, I totally understand and I can make do without. The dog and the stuffed squirrel are non-negotiable however.)
 


take us or leave us. but please take us.

That’s all I got for today folks.

OH I also tweet now : kmayt17 . throw me a bone there. Only have 20 followers.

 

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Unemployed + Beauty Tip



I have really dropped the ball lately with my blogging and I truly apologize for the grief it caused you and your loved ones.  I would promise it won’t happen again but frankly I can barely commit to plans a day in advance. 

Just relax now, beloved friends, for I am back in action.
---
A few days ago, a new homeless man was lurking about the street corners near my work looking attractive as all get out with scruffy facial hair and a beaming smile. It was plain to see that this man, who was begging for money, was happier than I was and I certainly couldn’t have that, now could I? On a whim, I went straight up to my boss’s office and quit and then I went right back to the sexy homeless man’s corner and jacked him of all the money he had earned that day just because I couldn’t stand to see his arrogant smile. 

As it turned out, he was smiling because he was extremely high and I quit my job for no reason at all. None the less, here I am, unemployed. 

Since the days of my unemployment, I have really taken a turn for the worse. My health has declined rapidly and I no longer have health insurance. If you don’t pity me enough already, here is the kicker: the gas station nearest to me no longer sells my favorite wine.

On the bright side, I've finally found a way to look your absolute worst and still go out in public:

 

Give it a shot and you won't be let down.  My unemployment and imending death is really paying off for you people so it's a shame I start my new job on Monday. And don't worry, I will still have plenty of amazing resumes to share with you in the new job!

Until then, I will be day drinking my life away... Cheers!
 

Friday, February 15, 2013

LOVE and PINK! (vday party photo overload)

Good morning!

Last night was a great success and I'm not even mad that I probably got diabetes from eating so many sweets. I woke up this morning and saw all the pink still up in my living room and it made my hang-over just slightly easier to handle. Thanks so much to the girls who came, I am so lucky to have such a good group of friends and I can't think of a better way to spend Valentine's Day than with you girls! Now get ready for picture overload:








and naturally...


Hope you have a good weekend! <3

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

LOVE questions, answered.

Good morning, tiny dancers. Valentine’s day is TOMORROW and naturally, I am beyond pumped. As I’ve mentioned before, I am throwing a Valentine’s Day party for my girl friends so be prepared for picture overload Friday. As for today,  I have taken it upon myself, as a love expert to answer a few burning questions that I’ve seen posted online. As always, I’m sure you will find my answers extremely helpful.

Okay, there is this guy, I have known him for a bit now, we had one class together last fall and he would not talk to me at all. We had to work together once for some project, and he would not look my direction or say a word. I just assumed he didn't like me, and at that time I didn't really care.

This semester we have another class together, and for some reason when I walked into that class I felt attracted to him. I waved to him and he waved back, but when I tried to make conversation he wont look at me at all, He talks with me for just a bit ( I start every conversation) but then stops talking after a few minuets if I don't keep it going.

I have a hard time making eye contact with anyone so I have no idea what he would do if we did, but I have noticed out of the corner of my eye he is sometimes staring at me and I have made him laugh before, but today I sat next to him and neither of us said a word.  What do you think and how is the best way to try to flirt with him?


It sounds like this guy is a pretty big loser. Guys who are shy are most likely rapists/murderers so my advice to you is to go get ‘em, lady! It sounds like you have some issues of your own if you fear eye contact so he could very well be your soul mate – do.not.let.him.out.of.your.sight. When he leaves class next time, follow him out from a few feet behind. Just as he is about to enter his car, sprint up to catch up with him and jump into his passenger’s seat. He may be slightly caught off guard but he will likely be too big of a pansy to argue with you. Go home with him and barricade yourselves inside, neither of you have much to offer the outside world anyway.

You are welcome.
Kasey

I told this boy I would like to know him better and he said "ok go ahead. ask whatever you want"
The thing is I'm very shy and I don't know what to ask or where to start. Could you give a few topics or questions I could do? I would really appreciate it

You poor sweet girl. When a man tells you to ask “anything you want,” you should not hesitate. Here are a few questions you need to ask ASAP:

“Do you have a savings account?”
If yes à “Can I borrow some money indefinitely?”
If no à “Does your family come from money and if so, how quickly after meeting them would it be appropriate for me to ask them to borrow some money?”

and of course,

“How much money do you plan on spending on my engagement ring?”

You are welcome,
Kasey

I want to propose to my girlfriend soon but I am concerned I am doing it too quickly. We have only been together for 7 months but I think I really love her. Should I wait or is it true that if you know, you know?

Heyyyyyyy ;). I think you are definitely moving too soon. There are plenty of fish in the sea, buddy. Look at me, for instance. I don’t like to brag but I’m a great catch and while you’re busy planning an engagement to your girlfriend, I’m getting prettier and prettier by the minute. Have you even seen your girl without makeup? Because I have.


If that is what you want in life, have at it my friend but I’m warning you – Tread lightly.

You are welcome,
Kasey


For those of you who hate Valentine’s Day, don’t think of it as “Single Awareness Day,” think of it as a day to celebrate THE COLOR PINK. I don't know about you but I can celebrate that all year round.



Monday, February 11, 2013

Throw Me A Bone, Saint Valentine

With Valentine’s day only a few days away, love is really in the air. Well, at least that’s what I’ve been told although I can’t catch a whiff of it to save my life. Frankly, I have to say that with the combination of my sparkling personality and impeccable good looks, I’m a little surprised nobody has tried to put a ring on this finger yet.

Who wouldn’t want to wake up next to this face for life?

I don’t like to brag, but I really have my ducks in a row. I mean, most of the ducks are dead because I forgot to feed them but they are in a straight line, damn it.

When I walk into a room, it immediately gets classier. I haven’t punched anyone in the face in over a week and in my defense, it was his own fault for forgetting to give me my pickle with my ham sandwich.

Speaking of class, you will never catch me at a bar without at least 2 drinks in hand. Isn’t that what every guy wants in the girl he brings home to his mom?

And assuming you catch me on one of the days I showered, I smell like a rose garden.

I don’t require much in a man, really. I mean, sure I have a few deal breakers like the basics:
1.    Eating any sort of condiment within the first month of knowing me. This one is pretty standard, I would guess. I mean, what if he goes in for the kiss and there’s still a bit of mustard in his mouth?  I will head-butt your ass.
2.    Any sort of jewelry what-so-ever, even if your dead grandfather gave it to you. I mean, no disrespect… RIP and all but the jewelry has got to go.
3.    Men with small dogs. (Disgusting.)

So throw me a bone here, Saint Valentine. A non-dressing eating, family-oriented, hilarious and rich man-shaped bone please.


Monday, February 4, 2013

Weekend Recap + A Few How To's

Happy Monday, sweet chinchillas. This weekend my parents, brother, Monica and I made a trip to my parent’s lake house and enjoyed a jam packed weekend o’ fun. Unfortunately after chugging bottle after bottle of Riesling, my weekend can only be recalled via the photos below:







As we are all aware by now, excessive alcohol intake increases brain power so needless to say, I have tons of great knowledge to share with you people.

HOW TO CAPTURE A MALE'S ATTENTION:
Even at the lake house, I try to look my best. All of the men in the area have at least four teeth so I needed to be prepared to be swept off my feet at any minute. With the outfit below, I think I could have pulled men with even up to six or seven teeth!




To get this look, simply avoid the shower and your comb all weekend long. Go to your dad’s sock drawer and find his most business professional socks to pair with some water shoes and to keep the look classy, never put your alcoholic beverage down.

HOW TO GET YOUR MAN IN CHECK:
Create a pie chart that breaks down your wants and needs. If you don’t tell him, how will he possibly know? Along with your personalized pie chart, attach a progress report to let him know how he is doing. Have him get it signed by his parent or guardian and return back to you ASAP.

 

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN INTERESTED:
Show up to his house drunk wearing two different shoes. Please note one is a flat and one is a heel.

  

Linking up with Sami today for the weekend update!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

The Many Faces of KMT

For starters, my normal, every day 100% sober face:


My second most natural face: The look of terror before battling a wild cat.  This one is an especially tricky one because I'm not really terrified at all, it's simply an act to get the upperhand. Gets 'em everytime.
Kasey: 4 // Wild Cats: 0


The only cat that truly terrifies me is my own.



Then of course, my most seductive look. I use this pretty little number when trying to holler at men sitting on the patio when I'm inside of a restaurant. Works everytime, ladies.
Warning: You get quite a bit of dust in the mouth during this process.


Another look that really gets the men going:


And lastly, the look you hope you will never have to see in person.
My angry face. The one I have on 100% of the work day, during my daily commute and when the bartender doesn't bring my next drink promptly after my first was completed.



Happy Thursday, party people.