Thursday, November 29, 2012

Recipe For Healthy Living

While all of you weaklings are getting the flu, I am heading to work day in and day out to pick up your slack.  I specifically didn’t get my flu shot in an attempt to miss a few days of work but I can’t catch a cold to save my life; with the exception of severe hangovers and hypochondria I haven’t been sick in years. With that being said, I have put together a guide for healthy living for you.

1.Wash your hands as little as possible.
Frankly I only wash my hands when:
a)      They are visibly dirty
b)      Somebody else is in the bathroom with me and I feel obligated to
c)       I see somebody that is very unattractive and feel like I got dirty by looking at them
You people are overwashing your hands and it's got to stop!

2. Eat like a 6 year old with really fat parents.
I am the pickiest eater in the world. (Fact: I have never even tried mayonnaise or mustard. Condiments legitimately terrify me.) People may think I have very unhealthy eating habits but I think the exact opposite. Here is what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: DONUTS. (get em in my mouth)
Lunch: Skip it. We are trying to get healthy here, not fat.

Dinner: Cheese fries (Lose the green onions. In fact, stay away from green all together)
I also randomly eat chips and candy throughout the day and ice-cream at night.

3. Avoid exercise
It’s a scam.

4. Drink alcohol in excess.
This stuff is basically a liquid vitamin. I’m not suggesting you drink like I do (Fact: I have the alcohol tolerance of a bear) but I am suggesting you throw back a bottle of vodka weekly. This is not only good for physical health but also mental health.
Chugging vitamins.
5. Sleep 10-12 hours a night.
If you have trouble sleeping, see #4 and add sleeping pills.

There you have it folks! Feel free to print this out and hang it on your fridge.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Cat Try Outs

PETA, steer clear.
Getting a pet is a real commitment and not one that should be taken lightly. Although I am not yet a parent, I assume pet ownership is about the same if not exactly equal to the burdens of parenting except when you pop out a kid, you are stuck with them for life but when you get a pet, you reserve the right to try before you buy.
My senior year of college, I was living with a friend and we were both feeling pretty lonely so we decided we needed a pet around the house. Dogs were way too much work and fish are downright terrifying so we figured cats would be the best bet. Obviously we had to get one each to avoid any jealousy or conflict so we did our fair share of research (picked up a newspaper and called the first ad we saw that was offering free kittens) and ended up at some filthy slob’s house only to find 10+ cats roaming around.
Liz called dibs on a cute little rascal which she named Bear and still has to this very day and left me with nothing but black cats to choose from. Obviously I didn’t want a black cat one percent but I also didn’t want to go home empty handed so I swiped up the best of my options and named him Seven. (A great name which he tainted)
I don’t appreciate potty humor or vulgarities of any sort so I won’t get into the details of why Seven wasn’t the right fit but I will share this depiction my friend drew and hope you can put the clues together yourself. (I apologize in advance.)

Long story short, we couldn’t have that kind of  cat on cat harassment in our home so we kept searching for the right kitten, keeping Seven to compare them side by side. We found Eight quickly after and he was clearly demon possessed so we kicked him to the curb only a few days later. The actual curb. In the rain. Judge if you want but he was trying to kill us, I tell you.
Unfortunately, Eight came clawing his way back into my home the moment I opened up the door the next day and remained hidden for days after that.
Meanwhile, just when I was starting to give up, we found an advertisement online for a white little feline angel which I immediately staked my claim on. I brought him home  and quickly realized, based on looks alone, that there was no comparison so Seven and Eight had to get the boot.

Seven, Eight and Nine.

The next day, my roommate and I stood outside a Kroger screaming “FREE CATS,"  [Side note: this is a great way to pick up men] handed off the rejects to anyone who would take them and I went home to sweet little Nine.

Worst. Decision . Ever.   Turns out I am just not a cat person.

Seven and Eight, you really lucked out.
Nine, you are stuck with me for life.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Are You Smarter Than a 7 Year Old? I'm Not.

Good afternoon loyal readers who I can only assume must be bedridden insomniacs,

I apologize for the lack of recent postings but frankly I’ve been booked solid playing the role of Mary in a neighbor’s Nativity scene. It’s no easy task trying to breastfeed a plastic babe but I think I mastered the art eventually.

Thanksgiving was spent in Wimberly, TX with 40 members of my family and 5 dogs despite the fact that “absolutely NO pets” were allowed. We ate, drank, shopped, tailgated and laughed a lot at my adorably perfect little nephew. You can’t ask for much more than that!

After Black Friday, I am sad to announce that I am completely broke. Not because I shopped too much but because my 7 year old cousin bet me fifty bucks that Obama wasn’t the president of South America and I took him up on it, causing me to lose my entire bank account. Who knew that it was a completely separate continent and not just the southernmost part of the USA? Not this girl. He got me good.

I have a lot of aggressive family members that are expecting to open a present from me on Christmas and I certainly don’t want to disappoint them so I decided to get a part-time job at a local restaurant. I started on Sunday at 2 pm and was fired on Sunday at 4 pm for having a natural frown and a lackluster personality. After getting fired, I treated myself to some ice-cream, using my last 2 dollars and then I ran out of gas on the way home. Luckily, I was just barely able to pull into a Jack in the Box parking lot where I was offered money from a Jack in the Box employee; I graciously accepted while cussing out my aunt and uncle in my head for raising such a brainiac.

You know your life has really gone downhill when you are accepting money from a fast-food employee and I certainly hope that my family can keep that in mind when they open their elaborately decorated pinecones this year.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Rejected By a Homeless Man; An All Time Low

Despite the fact that I generally like to avoid exercise and the outdoors, I have been spending quite  a bit of time walking the trails that run near the creek behind my apartment recently. This weekend while I was innocently strolling along with Riley,  I found a new path that led under a highway and since I had nothing else to do that day, I followed it.

When I got under the highway I noticed what appeared to be an abandoned stroller which I naturally walked towards, thinking I was about to score myself a free babe and hoping it was a girl. Upon getting closer, however, I realized it was just an abandoned shopping cart with a bunch of bags in it. A few feet to the left of that was a small tent with a large umbrella behind it to block the wind. Just as I was putting it together that I had stumbled across the backyard of a homeless man, a grungy little man opened the tent and welcomed me to his home.

Always intrigued by home d├ęcor, I was curious to know what he was working with on the interior of his tent so I strolled over to say hello. Aside from the fact that he was homeless, his one front tooth was rotting and he was extremely jittery, he seemed like a not-so terrible guy. I noticed he wasn’t wearing socks so I offered to bring him some and he told me that would be fine with him as long as they were either black or brown because wearing white socks was “girly.” Just as I was about to knock his tent down and tell him beggars can’t be choosers, a ping of empathy came over me and I felt like I really needed to hear this guy’s story.

After chit-chatting for a little bit, I learned he was a convict that was running from the law for reasons he didn’t feel comfortable disclosing (most likely murder) and that he wasn’t necessarily “homeless” but rather “in between homes.”  After hearing this, I knew he was somebody I could put all of my trust in so I decided I would throw this guy a bone out of the kindness of my heart.

First I shared an old trick with him that I learned during my time on the streets:  I had him catch a giant roach and put it in a zip lock bag until we arrived at a nice restaurant nearby. After receiving our food we released the roach, earning ourselves a free meal. Afterwards he was so overjoyed that I shared my knowledge with him that I decided I didn’t want the good times to end so I invited him over to my apartment for a little hang out session. On our way there he thanked me as he placed his hand on mine, giving me goose bumps, and I knew right then that I had fallen in love with this toothless yet shockingly personable criminal.

Since I rarely feel these feelings I knew I couldn’t ignore them so as soon as we got home, I put in my Rihanna CD and played the “We Found Love (in a hopeless place)” song on repeat, got on my knees and purposed.

As soon as I got on my knees, he kicked me hard in the stomach and screamed “YOU LOOK GOOD BUT YOU DON’T LOOK THAT GOOD” and sprinted out of my apartment after stealing my favorite turquoise vase. Sadly, this was not the first time a homeless man has shouted that exact phrase to me so I got the hint and promised myself I would never visit his side of the creek again.

Life Lessons Learned

With my 26th birthday less than a month away, I can’t help but reflect on the lessons I’ve learned along the way. I’ve had my share of blunders in life and in order to prevent you from doing the same, I have decided to share a few with you.
1.       If you’ve been known to be a bit of a hypochondriac in your past, get several doctors rather than just one. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of self-misdiagnoses in life  but had I separated my visits out among many doctors instead of just one, my doctor would have taken me just a little bit more seriously when I announced my impending death from Silent Death Syndrome a few years back. I’m lucky I survived it despite the neglect of my doctor but I can’t pretend it wasn’t a close one.
2.       When it comes to getting gas, you should aim to get it before your car breaks down on the side of the road. If you can succeed in making it to the gas station, be sure you remove the pump from your vehicle before driving off to spare yourself some embarrassment.
Gas pump in the back of my truck; those things can be tricky.

3.       Try to avoid vomiting after eating pickles; they are not nearly as delicious the second time around and it’s alarmingly painful. (For the record, I am not bulimic - just a binge drinker.)
4.       Hitting pedestrians is not just frowned upon; it is highly illegal. This one is hard to grasp because there’s almost nothing in life more gratifying than giving pedestrians a little nudge with your vehicle however some people don’t share the same sense of humor. While you may have hit dozens of them and gotten off scotch free in the past; inevitably, one day you will hit the wrong human and face serious consequences.

5.       When in an interview, know how much you want to make before hand. My very first phone interview out of college I was at my parent’s house answering questions like a boss until the salary question came up and my response was “I’m looking  for around 10k.” My mom came flying in, shocked that she had raised such a fool, and I said “Oh, did I ask for too much?”  Needless to say, I was never called back.  
Those are just a few tidbits of information I have gained in life; high level knowledge that one couldn’t possibly be expected to know on their own. You can thank me later.

Today is my Friday so sorry about your luck if you have to work tomorrow!

Monday, November 19, 2012

Weekend Recap

Happy Monday, friends! This weekend was pretty successful considering I was only sober about 10% of the time and this work week is only 2 days long so instead of my typical Monday morning frown, I am sporting a half smile today.
Saturday night I went to grab dinner and drinks with two friends and although we were going to enjoy a little girl time, we were being bombarded by men trying to date us all night long. We were polite at first but after a while, it was getting out of hand and we had to start taking matters into our own hands by acting as repulsive as possible to try to repel these masses of men.

I have already shared some solid dating advice with you but what you may also need to know is how to get these guys running for the hills when you're uninterested. The first step we took was to head to the bathroom to dampen our underarms in an attempt to appear sweaty and grotesque. I figured this alone would do the trick but shortly after doing this, we were delivered 2 shots each and some adorable baby rabbits which we later fed to Kendall’s dog. (The rabbits  of course, not the shots) Clearly the fake sweat wasn’t enough so we placed dozens of giant framed cat photos which I happened to have on hand in front of us because let’s face it, nobody likes a cat lady. This tactic weeded out some of the crowd out but others were using the framed cats as conversation starters so we were forced to start straight up spitting in the faces of the men pursuing us. This idea seemed to work just fine and we were able to continue the rest of our night in peace.
The next morning we were still pretty parched so we headed to brunch to enjoy some mimosas and bloody mary’s and while we were there we learned that a holiday festival would be going on a little later so we decided to stick around. When the festival started, I was chosen among the crowd to dress up as Mrs. Clause and entertain the kids. Having had only 13 drinks at this point, I figured I was sober enough for the job so I got geared up and headed to perform.
When I realized that I had zero speaking parts and was expected to just stand around and look jolly, I was pretty steaming mad to say the least. I have tons of great qualities to offer and I certainly didn’t appreciate this slap in the face so I drugged Santa Clause and stole his script. Still unhappy with the amount of stage time I would be receiving, I decided to create my own script which happened to be a slightly skewed reenactment of the Holocaust where I played the roles of Hitler and Santa Clause interchangeably throughout the play.
Unfortunately, I was kicked off the stage halfway though the play thanks to several weak minded parents that seemed to find my skit to be “confusing” and “inappropriate” for children. We were physically removed shortly after that for reasons I am still unsure of but ultimately, I think it was a great Sunday.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Something Fishy Is Going On

Something very fishy is going on and I’m going to get to the bottom of it.

It started this morning when I had to wake up to my alarm clock rather than the band of shirtless men that typically serenade me from outside my window. I wasn’t too alarmed at first because I just assumed they were all killed in a tragic car accident on their way over so I moved along with my day.

Later however, I got into my truck in which I could swear that I had just filled to the very brim ($7 dollars worth) with gas yesterday, was on EMPTY?! 

Later on, I went home during my lunch break only to find my AC had been adjusted mysteriously while I was out. Now, I am not 100% sure on this one because I will admit, those little suckers are extremely hard to read but I will say that I am positive that my apartment wasn’t that cold when I left it this morning. Furthermore, on the same lunch break, Nine was begging for attention as usual but this time I found him shockingly irresistible?   

Somebody obviously drugged me.

Last but certainly not least, I interviewed the most attractive IT professional in the DFW area today and I wasn’t looking my best but I wasn’t looking my worst so I went  for the kiss instead of the handshake and got rejected. Some shady business is happening, I tell you.

A great example of “not looking my best but not looking my worst”

After a day like this, one can only assume that some gang of drug using teenagers hot-wired my truck, ran over my whole devoted wake up crew, reversed and backed over said crew again, returned my truck on E, waited for me to go to work, broke into my apartment specifically to boost my electricity bill for this month, drugged me and then drugged my breathtakingly beautiful candidate.

I’m on to you, suckers.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Solid Dating Advice

Listen up, ladies because I’m about to give you some real helpful advice. After years of experience in ruining the lives of young men all around the world, I think it’s safe to say I’m pretty much a relationship expert. I have dated my fair share of seemingly strong-willed young gentlemen in my years and in just one week’s time, successfully turned them all into self loathing losers who can barely survive without me.
Now I know what you are thinking: “HOW DOES SHE DO IT?” and the answer is simple: I treat the men in my life with the utmost disrespect and constantly remind them how their lives would be in shambles without me. I am here today to persuade you ladies out there to do the same and with just a few helpful hints, you too can have men flocking to you.
  1. Emasculate him! If his car is broken, go fix it! Of course you probably won’t really know how to fix it so go ruin it some more but be sure you use lots of tools while doing it so it looks legit. Make sure all of his neighbors see you so they judge your man for being such a deadbeat and not fixing it on his own. If he tries to fix something for you, be sure to constantly butt in and tell him he is doing it wrong.
  2. Hit on his friends. Fat friends, ugly friends, cute friends, freckly friends: who really cares as long as it’s right in front of him. A fair warning: After a few drinks, you may feel inclined to kiss one of his friends but believe me when I say, you would be taking it just one step too far with that one. If you MUST kiss his friends while he is around, wait until he turns around to get you a drink at the bar and then go for it!
  3. Control him. Put him on a point system to ensure he is staying in line. He will earn positive points for doing things such as giving you gifts, making you dinner and cleaning your car but will lose points for things such as not calling you the moment he gets off work or failing to bring you your daily flowers. Agree on a number of points he must be above at all times or else you will kick him to the curb and kill his whole family. (Joking about the last part, jeez.)
  4. Make him do as much manual labor as possible. Don’t consider him your boyfriend so much as your personal slave, ladies. Have a flat tire? Make him fix it! Don’t have a flat tire? Pop your tire and make him fix it! You should have a new task for him daily that way he won’t have time to stray.
  5. Expect him to listen to every detail of your oh-so interesting day but when he tries to talk, hang up on him and later claim your phone died. If he is with you in person, say things like “WOW!” and “GREAT STORY!” as sarcastically as possible so he quickly realizes that nothing he has to say is important.

If you follow these simple little tips, you will be on your way to relationship bliss in no time. If you try these and your man still leaves you, you were either way too nice and already ruined your relationship or you are just really, really unattractive.

My current boyfirend. Don't act like you're not impressed.

Monday, November 12, 2012

The Day I Stole Your Kids From Recess

I took the day off today in order to catch up on a few household chores which have been neglected over the past few weeks.  While I had originally planned to do them myself like the strong and capable woman that I am, I later realized how selfish that would be when there are thousands of elementary students just dying to break out of school.

I woke up early this morning and dressed to impress per usual: black sweat pants and my new Lisa Frank unicorn sweatshirt (I can’t deny the fact that I looked amazing despite my attempt to tone my beauty down a notch to appear less eye catching) and headed to the nearest elementary school to capture a few unsuspecting kids at recess.

I was lucky enough to locate some unattended children playing freeze tag fairly quickly; their deadbeat teacher was too busy chatting with another teacher to notice me. There were 5 kids in all but one of them had a snotty nose and was missing a front tooth and frankly I didn’t have the stomach to look at him a moment longer so I left him behind but grabbed the other 4 and put them in the back of my truck to head home. I made only one stop at the gas station for some Red Bull and cigarettes to reward the kids with later.

Upon arriving home, I found all of the kids crying and treating me as if I were some sort of monster for giving them a day off from school. Needless to say, I considered this pretty ungrateful and immature so I chain smoked all 4 packs of cigarettes since they clearly didn’t deserve it, and began delegating some chores to each of them. 

Who knew kids could be so worthless? Right off the bat, I noticed one kid attempting to clean my toilet with Windex! The nerve of this kid! I punished him by making him take 3 large gulps of Windex, splashing a little more in his eyes, and then allowed him to continue cleaning; never having any more issues with that particular kid again. The other three kids seemed to be a little bit more intelligent and were able to get the place looking pretty orderly in just a little over an hour so they were rewarded with Red Bulls and permitted to walk my dog for me.

They came back from walking Riley and were practically bouncing off the walls at this point - apparently it is not wise to feed children energy drinks but you live, you learn. It was almost 3 at this point and about time to get the kiddos back to school but not before having the awards ceremony to recognize those who pulled their weight and to punish those who slacked off.

To protect the children’s privacy, I will not use their real names but instead call them Jim, Jack, John and Jake. Jake was the obvious loser since he was tasked with cleaning the windows and left them streaky so he needed to be reprimanded for being so careless. I allowed each of the other children to spit on him just once while I held him down and then we put Riley’s choke collar on him and I had the kids each take turns running and pulling him behind them. It was a real hoot to watch and the kids just ate it up. I was practically their hero at this point; each kid probably wanting me to adopt them as my own – but a girl only has so much space. Jim was by far the best cleaner of the group so I gave him a 6 pack of beer and packed them all back up in the back of the truck to return them safely and only slightly drunk to school.

I came home to a tidy apartment without having to lift a finger and finally realized what having offspring was all about. I realized today what a disservice I was doing to America for not having popped out my own children yet since it's obvious that mothering comes so naturally to me.  Have no fear: One day I will have 5-6 kids of my very own but for now, feel free to reach out to me for babysitting needs and/or parenting tips and I will get back to you as soon as my schedule allows.

(PS: I would like to give a shout out to my own mother for teaching me that a little physical and verbal abuse goes along way.)