Good afternoon long lost friends!
I apologize for the lack of recent postings but I’ve been
under the weather drunk. I've also been avoiding Facebook at all costs; instead of checking it every hour on the hour, I only check it every few hours. In case you haven't logged on lately, let me get you up to date:
Meanwhile, while you assholes are in love and smiling from ear to ear, I'm over here like:
For all of you single ladies in the same boat, let me assure you that despite the way it may appear, you are not the only ones who can’t catch a man with a full head of hair if your life depended on it.
Let me make you feel better by summing up a few recent dating stories:
1. After a few good dates, we have plans during rush hour traffic. He is supposed to pick me up but just an hour before our plans, I receive a text saying “Would you mind driving? I get nervous in traffic.” ……NERVOUS.IN.TRAFFIC?!!! A grown man!
2. A first date that is going seemingly well until:
Him: Would you ever be in a wet T-shirt contest?
Me: Um. No.
Him: So is that a strong no then?
Him: Check please!
3. A first date in which the guy orders a martini. FOR HIMSELF. Next thing you know he will be telling me he has a small dog too.
4. A first kiss in which he literally sticks his tongue in my mouth and rests it there. That’s right, just plops it in and doesn’t move. My mouth is not a Motel 6, buddy. Deal.breaker.
So while I’m thrilled that everyone is happily engaged, frankly I’m a little confused where all these great catches are coming from? Or maybe they aren’t such a great catch after all! So next time you see that yet another happy couple got engaged, just remember that he probably stole the engagement ring.