Tuesday, December 18, 2012

For All You Single Ladies

Good afternoon long lost friends!

I apologize for the lack of recent postings but I’ve been under the weather drunk. I've also been avoiding Facebook at all costs; instead of checking it every hour on the hour, I only check it every few hours. In case you haven't logged on lately, let me get you up to date:

With a little bit of this in between:

Meanwhile, while you assholes are in love and smiling from ear to ear, I'm over here like:

For all of you single ladies in the same boat, let me assure you that despite the way it may appear, you are not the only ones who can’t catch a man with a full head of hair if your life depended on it.
 Let me make you feel better by summing up a few recent dating stories:

1.     After a few good dates, we have plans during rush hour traffic. He is supposed to pick me up but just an hour before our plans, I receive a text saying “Would you mind driving? I get nervous in traffic.” ……NERVOUS.IN.TRAFFIC?!!! A grown man!
2.     A first date that is going seemingly well until:
Him: Would you ever be in a wet T-shirt contest?
Me: Um. No.
Him: So is that a strong no then?
Me: Yes.
Him: Check please!
3.     A first date in which the guy orders a martini. FOR HIMSELF. Next thing you know he will be telling me he has a small dog too.
4.     A first kiss in which he literally sticks his tongue in my mouth and rests it there. That’s right, just plops it in and doesn’t move. My mouth is not a Motel 6, buddy. Deal.breaker.

So while I’m thrilled that everyone is happily engaged, frankly I’m a little confused where all these great catches are coming from? Or maybe they aren’t such a great catch after all! So next time you see that yet another happy couple got engaged, just remember that he probably stole the engagement ring.


Rachel said...

This post just cracked me up!! haha I love it! I have so been there! Hope you have a great day!

Eve Myers said...

I will remember that he probably stole it! Everyone and their uncle is getting married these days!


Ally said...

You're effin amazing.

The end.


Jaime Hungry said...

I once went on a first (and only) date where the guy not only did asked me to pick him up (he did not live close) and drive, but he had NOTHING in mind. We went to a Mexican restaurant next door to his house and he drank a margarita the size of his head and proceeded to tell me all about his criminal/pot smoking record. Afterwards we went to his house and he did shots of jager and smoked weed whiled and I sat there for 10 minutes too long and then bolted. Later after telling a few people about it I found out he used to stalk the shit out of my sister AND my best friend on Facebook, they didn't even live in the same city.

Lesley said...

I hope for the sake of womankind that you're just a terrific storyteller and that these men don't exist...