My First Restraining Order

Time to recap my birthday celebration, YIPPEE. Friday night I rounded up a few stray girls I met in the liquor store to join me in my birthday festivities. My only requirement was that they were least a 7/10 on the attractive-o-meter (although let’s face it, some are cutting it CLOSE) and that they could chug a whole bottle of liquor in less than 30 minutes. This is what I came up with:

They weren’t the worst group of girls I’ve ever hung out with. We started out at my favorite Mexican restaurant (deemed favorite based solely on the strength of the margarita) and then headed  to the bars afterwards to dance the night away. Naturally, I killed it on the dance floor per usual (Including doing leap frog in that dress. A classy choice.) and after about 30 minutes of dominating the dance floor, I had several people lining up to offer me jobs as well as their hands in marriage.

Hours later, after finally rejecting everyone politely yet firmly, I got in my car to head home. Miles into the car ride, I came to the realization after hitting several mailboxes and a few pedestrians that perhaps I shouldn’t be behind the wheel. Luckily, I saw a bicycle cop nearby so I grabbed a stick and stuck it in his back wheel causing him to go flying off his bike and allowing me to steal it and continue on my path more safely. (Nobody respects bicycle cops anyway.)

Eventually I made it home safely and quickly after arriving, I had a knock at my door. The bicycle cop. I answered it assuming that he was just there to compliment my excellence in bike riding but instead, he yelled at me pretty hard and cussed me out. Needless to say, I was pretty turned on by his blatant disrespect for me so I invited him to move in with me.


That my friends, is the story of my birthday + my first restraining order.

To wrap it up, I would like to share JUST SOME of the insults I recieved yesterday at work:

1.       “You have a square head. No seriously, your head looks like SpongeBob square pants.”

2.       “Do you think you’re deep? Because I think you’re shallow as hell. I don’t even think a goldfish could swim up there.”
3.       After telling a coworker I have trouble sleeping because my mind is too active he said: “Really? Because I imagine your head just being a big whirlwind of dust up there.”
4.       “Have you ever thought of how much more attractive you would be if you stopped drinking and taking sleeping pills?”