Tis The Season For Stalking!

December is pretty much the best month in the year; my birthday, Christmas, holiday time off, my birthday, tons of excuses to drink and my birthday. Unfortunately however,  it is also a season for break-ups, most likely because your significant other didn’t care about you enough to buy you a Christmas present.

Luckily, holiday parties are happening every weekend and your ex is probably going to be in attendance of a few of them so it’s time to strap on a disguise and a slightly aggressive weapon of your choosing and start stalking his ass!

A few years ago, before I had perfected my ability to be the world’s most perfect girlfriend, my college boyfriend kicked me to the curb within the first 5 minutes of a 3 hour road trip while I was driving. He proceeded to sing and play drums on my window while I cried my eyes out and drove us home, getting yelled at occasionally for my poor driving skills. I know what you’re thinking: What. A . Catch! And yes, he is single and ready to mingle if you ladies want to holler at him. Anyway, the break up came as a complete shock to me and I certainly wasn’t prepared to just sit by and let it happen so I made some plans to crash his upcoming Halloween party which my invitation was revoked to.

The night of his Halloween party, I dressed up in all trash bags, unidentifiable sneakers, no jewelry and some hand-made signs in case anyone tried to talk to me. (My voice is pretty distinctive.) I brought a friend with me for support and some perfume which I kept in a zip lock bag attached to the trash bag dress I was wearing so that in the event some skank tried to talk to/get close to my ex, I could spray her right in the eye.

I walked into the party and he greeted us, complimented our costumes and we danced the night away in between asthma attacks – it’s no easy task breathing under trash bags. I was able to keep an eye on him the entire night and never even had to pull out my perfume!

Now, I’ll admit this process was a little easier on a Halloween party but Christmas parties can work just as easily! Simply wrap a scarf around your face and cut out only the eye holes and claim that you have a serious disease and can’t be exposed to cold weather. Not only will you get to stalk your ex but you will also most likely get to draw first in the Christmas exchange because you’re on the verge of death!

Happy Stalking!