WebMD For Hypochondriacs

I have always been a “glass half empty” kinda gal, (shout out to my mom for that one) so when it comes to any sort of pains or ailments I may have, I always assume it will end it death. WebMD and Google have never been a friend of mine when it comes to these sorts of things but frankly, I’d rather not use the last few moments of life trying to get to the bottom of my illness. If you are in the same boat, you won’t believe anything less than death so let me spare you some time; here are some cold, hard facts about some of the symptoms you may be feeling:

Any pain on the left arm whatsoever; whether it is internal or external: You are without a doubt having a heart attack. Suddenly your chest begins to feel heavy and you can’t breathe. You should go to the hospital immediately. Prepare yourself to have an open heart surgery and likely never wake up.

A headache: Sweet Jesus, what is that poking out of your head? That is one large tumor you have there.  Wake up you imbecile, you have cancer.

Otherwise, you are definitely dying of the repercussions of the fight you were in at the birthday party in fifth grade. The nurse gave you staples? Yeah right! She injected a rare disease into your head and it is finally catching up to you. Your only symptom right before your die? A headache!

Swollen lymph nodes:  This one is fairly obvious. I’m surprised you are still reading this and not already knee deep into writing your will. You have Silent Death Syndrome and you’re bound to die any minute. Forget going to the doctor, you have no time. Take some sleeping pills and write a letter to your friends and family to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. Be sure your makeup is exactly the way you prefer it to be when you are buried; death is near.

Stomach pains: You are pregnant.  Not sexually active? Still pregnant! Somebody has slipped something into your bathwater and you should expect a kid in just a few short months. 

Doctor confirms you are without child? You have stomach cancer! He dropped the ball and didn’t bother to X-ray for that because he doesn’t take you seriously. Now it’s too late and you are practically already dead.

A speck of dirt on your skin: A new mole has appeared overnight and I've got news for you buddy, there's not a chance in hell it's benign.

There you have it. You can thank me by watching my back from above. Or below, whichever.