Job Advice From A Girl Who's Been Fired More Than Once

Although this may be hard for some of you to believe, most week days I remain sober for at least eight hours to go to this little gem of a place I like to call hell on earth. I mean, my job. I am a recruiter, specifically for IT professionals, so I get the privilege of placing ungrateful assholes in technical roles day after day. I have been recruiting for almost three years and the process includes interviewing candidates face to face AND firing them if need be so needless to say, I have met (and fired) my fair share of crazies.

Here are some tips for interviewing and once you get the job that SHOULD seem fairly obvious, but sadly, are not.

Interviewing:

1.     Dress PROFESSIONALLY: Do NOT wear sweats to your interview, you lazy deadbeat. Also, avoid eating any foods that may dirty your shirt before your interview. Last week I met a candidate with mustard stains on his shirt AND his dry cleaning tag still on. I guess he didn’t look in the mirror at all before leaving so I could tell right off the bat that this candidate was a real catch.

2.     Avoid racism in your interview: I have literally had a candidate tell me he left his job because he was leading a “team full of Asians” and the “odor was too much to take.” I can’t make it up if I tried, people. Plus we all know I NEVER make up stories anyway.

3.     Do not disclose too much personal information: Employers want to know what you can DO FOR THEM, not that you may or may not pass a drug test because you went to New Orleans and thought you may have contracted an STD that you had to take pills for or that you were off the past 3 years to RAISE YOUR DOGS.

On the Job:

1.     Avoid alcohol while on the clock: I know what you are thinking… For eight hours?! Is this a sick joke? I struggle with this one too but statistics show that employers prefer their employees to remain sober during work hours. A few months ago I had to fire a candidate for being wasted at work and in response, got an email saying that *I* was the unprofessional one who placed him at a job that drove him to drink. He threatened to report me, no lie.

2.     Leave your clothes on:  We have had a candidate take his shirt off in the middle of the work day, and twirl it around his head claiming there were “bugs all over him.” Needless to say , he got the boot.

3.     Avoid looking at porn on work computers: Most jobs block these sites but technical candidates have their ways around those things and we have had a candidate not only LOOK at but PRINT OFF porn and leave it on the printer for the world to see.

That's all I got. You can thank me by sending me 12% of your paychecks.