The Many Faces of KMT

For starters, my normal, every day 100% sober face:

My second most natural face: The look of terror before battling a wild cat.  This one is an especially tricky one because I'm not really terrified at all, it's simply an act to get the upperhand. Gets 'em everytime.
Kasey: 4 // Wild Cats: 0

The only cat that truly terrifies me is my own.

Then of course, my most seductive look. I use this pretty little number when trying to holler at men sitting on the patio when I'm inside of a restaurant. Works everytime, ladies.
Warning: You get quite a bit of dust in the mouth during this process.

Another look that really gets the men going:

And lastly, the look you hope you will never have to see in person.
My angry face. The one I have on 100% of the work day, during my daily commute and when the bartender doesn't bring my next drink promptly after my first was completed.

Happy Thursday, party people.

Traffic Jam? Drink It Off.

Typically I like to think of myself as a pretty relaxed, worry-free gal thanks to my anti-anxiety pills mixed with the alcohol that is constantly running through my veins but I can’t deny the fact that traffic really gets me heated. I work only 10 minutes from my apartment to avoid having to attend weekly anger management sessions but this morning it took me damn near two hours to get to work.

About fifteen minutes into my travel, I hadn’t even been able to move an inch so I grabbed a wine bottle from the collection I keep in my back seat for emergencies like such and chugged just enough to keep me sane. To be clear, I have excellent work ethic and would never normally consider drinking before work but I figured I’d sober up by the time I got there so why not?

Thirty minutes later, I had moved just barely 2 car links and finished one whole bottle of wine. (It was white wine, you judgmental asshole.) I was feeling pretty buzzed when I rolled up next to a real dream boat of a man dressed in his finest business professional attire so I rolled my window down and motioned for him to roll his down too so I could holler at him. Despite my uncombed hair, he rolled it down and I asked if I could climb into his car for a bit since the traffic wasn’t moving. For some reason, he seemed a little put off by my request but before he could answer, I was in his car anyway. You gotta be aggressive, ya heard?

Anyway, one thing led to the next although I can’t put a finger on exactly what things they were because I blacked out for a bit -- but the next thing I know, we are making out pretty hard. At this point, I am confident that marriage is most certainly in our future when he opens the passenger door and literally kicked me out of his car onto the toll way. It seems we had moved quite a bit because my car was miles behind me and people were honking at the stalled vehicle.

Feeling a little hung over, I sprinted back to my car and finally started making some progress on the road. I was only about 4 minutes away from work at this point but felt it was only appropriate to keep drinking to avoid the hangover so I grabbed another bottle of wine and started chugging away. Drunk again and only seconds away from work, I pulled over on the side of the highway as I am adamantly against drunk driving and called my coworker to come pick me up and take me the rest of the way to work.

I showed up at 10 am, just 2 hours late and only slightly intoxicated. I don’t feel great about this morning’s commute but at least I didn’t run anyone off the road this time so I think my life coach would be proud.

Baby steps.

FREE CAT!

Hello friends. I really slacked off quite a bit last week on my blogging and I would love to make it up to you today by offering you something you absolutely will not be able to live without. This is something that will be incredibly hard for me to part with but because I care about you so very dearly, I will deal with the pain and sorrow.

I am here today to offer you my sweet, sweet cat, Nine. (Read about how he got his name here.)

This adorable little prize comes with so many perks! First and foremost, he is one lazy bastard so you won’t have to worry about playing with him at all. In fact, I should warn you that you probably should not attempt to play with him unless you enjoy getting bit really, really hard. He’s joking, obviously so if/when he bites you, please don’t judge him or punish him; just laugh it off and then make an appointment with your doctor immediately as he does have a slight case of Rabies.

 

Another little perk that Nine offers is the extra layer of fur your clothes will undoubtedly have on them at all times. It’s very fashionable, really and employers/significant others love it! In the event you don’t like white cat hair all over your work attire, which is highly unlikely, you may attempt to bring your clothes to the drycleaner where they will likely be rejected on the spot no matter how much extra you offer to pay. Not even the high powered vacuums at the car wash will help you out in this case so I suggest you just start seeing the cat hair for what it really is: a fashion statement. Others may be behind the curve on this trend but they will catch up once they see how you rock it.

One of my all-time favorite things that Nine does, that I’m fairly certain you too will enjoy is the way he always seems to find the room in the house that echoes the most and meows at the very top of his lungs while you sleep. Please do not depend on him as an alarm clock as he only does this in the middle of the night. There's nothing better to wake up to in my book.

I will warn you though, he’s slightly high maintenance. He requires regular feedings which, if neglected will result in hours of loud meowing and occasionally some face-biting. In the event you are out of cat food, you may consider feeding him other foods such as dog food, apples, toothpaste, old chicken or canned green beans but I can assure you that he won’t even bother to try them. In this situation, it is best to keep him in a small, sound-proof box until you are able to get the appropriate food. He will likely come out very angry so beware.

If you notice him panting like the picture below, he is most likely dehydrated because you have neglected to give him water. Don’t beat yourself up about it, simply open your toilet and he will be good to go.

If nothing else, he works great as a dog toy! Riley loves chewing on his head and I enjoy watching so it’s a win-win for all parties. With that being said, he is now missing just one ear but I can assure you, it only makes him cuter!

To win, simply comment below and the lucky winner will be chosen randomly. I will throw him in a pillow case and deliver him to your home personally because I truly do care about my readers! No background check required.

A Resume From The Desk Of A Genius

Today at work I was recruiting for a fairly high-level IT role that I had previously posted on CareerBuilder when I received the following resume in my inbox:

  

If you care about your future at all, please take a moment to compare this to your own resume or just go ahead and copy and paste that gem onto a blank Word document and use it as your own because that right there is GOLD, people. When I receive a resume of this caliber, I drop everything I am doing and call them immediately because as a great recruiter, I know this kind of candidate won’t be in the market long. 

 

Side note: I deleted the contact information but her name was not even capitalized which is how I knew this was the candidate for the job.

Me: Hello, this is Kasey and I just received your resume for the IT position you applied for and it looks absolutely perfect, is now a good time to talk? (Gosh, I’m so professional.)

Candidate: Yeah hi, I got time.

Me: Okay great, so tell me a little about your recent role there at… The call center? What company is that?

Candidate: (Company name), yeah I answer the phone and make sells.

Me: Yeah I see that, that’s perfect! So do you do any IT work there at all?

Candidate: IT???

Me: Yes, the role you applied for was an IT position… Technology?

Candidate: IT??? Yeah I got a computer.

Me: Perfect! Yeah, your resume looks great. Did you have any previous jobs before you were an “assistance?”

Candidate: Yeah I was a team lead at my last job and I was working in a call center before that.

Me: Okay, and why didn’t you include that on your resume?

Candidate: Oh I just didn’t.

Me: That makes sense, great! Well what pay rate are you looking for?

Candidate: Anything that don’t pay $10 dollars is fine with me.

Me: Well this pays $40/hr so I’m going to go ahead and send you over to my client if you are comfortable with that?

Candidate: Okay cool, thank you! I look forward to hearing back!

Will she get the job? I’m not a betting woman but if I were, I would say the odds are definitely in her favor.

(I apologize if that happens to be your resume - that’s just really bad luck on my part. On the other hand, I would be shocked if this candidate knew how to read.)

FREE iPHONE 5!

I have some amazing, jaw-dropping information for iPhone users this evening! I am coming at you today as the proud owner of a FREE iPhone5. WHAT KASEY?! IS THIS ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR SICK JOKES? No, I would never betray you like that.  

Apparently Target and Radio Shack have a program where if you give them your old iPhone they will give you the upgrade for the difference. Disclaimer:  YOU DO NEED AN UPGRADE. I had the iPhone 4s (BROKEN) and I exchanged it for the 5 and somehow ended up also getting money back?! (A fifteen dollar gift card to Target which naturally I already spent on an adorable seafoam+gold phone cover.) 

Don’t act like you aren’t impressed right now. 

In other news, I have Valentine’s Day fever REAL hard. Despite the fact that I am single, the bright colors really speak to my soul so when I see an aisle full of hot pink/red, I can’t help but get really, really pumped.  Most of my single friends don’t share the same passion but this year I am going to change that by throwing a ladies’ night Valentine’s Day party! 

Alcohol + food + pink + friends + pink + pink pinata + food (dyed pink) = best night of our lives. AmIright?

How cute are the invitations? (It's even more vibrant in real life but I had some issues getting the picture to show up here so just back off.) If you haven’t heard of PaperlessPost.com, you should go right now. Cutest . Cards. Ever. There's an app for it too! [Red stamp has some cute e-cards as well!]

Please note that it is MIDNIGHT and I AM STILL AWAKE on A WEEKNIGHT.  I’m on fire tonight, I tell ya. [I apologize in advance for my hair tomorrow.]

Side note: I am fairly certain that I heard a knock on the door tonight at 11 pm (Riley didn't even bother to bark so who knows where her loyalties lie.) and I'm terrified it was a murderer. If you read this and never hear from me again, please find out details about my funeral, attend it and pretend to cry really hard -- I could use the extra headcount. 

So Much Love In One Room

I usually avoid serious topics on the blog but I don’t want to forget this day, even though it was a particularly hard one.

Today, around 9 pm we said goodbye to my grandmother, who was 85 years old. My brother and I went up to see her around lunch time because we knew she was not doing well but after seeing her, we realized the situation was probably worse than we thought so I called into work the rest of the day. The nurse told us she didn’t think it would be long before Grammy would take her last breath so we called the rest of the family and within hours, 20+ people were packed like sardines in my grandmother’s room to say their goodbyes.

My Grammy was a mother of 6, a grandmother of 12, a great-grandmother of 2 (one in the womb!) and a friend to many but she never ran out of love in her heart and as today confirmed, that love was not unrequited.

I feel so incredibly blessed to have been loved by that woman and to be a part of such a wonderful, loving and supportive family. As I looked up today and saw my dad, mom, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and family friends all holding each other together, I felt so unbelievably grateful for the family that my grandparents have created.

Most of us left around 8 pm when the nurse told us she thought it would most likely be tomorrow and at 9 pm, I got the call from my dad saying she had passed. At first I was so upset that we had just left but my cousin called and reminded me that it was what Grammy had wanted; she went on her own terms so she could stand tall for all of her grandchildren and died peacefully with her children and husband in the room.

I have never seen a love quite like the love my grandfather had for my grandmother. He was holding her hand, hugging on her, kissing her and telling her how much he loved her all day today but that is honestly no different than any other day he was with her. This will be especially hard for him so please keep him in your prayers.

I will always love you, Grammy.

Sure-Fire Signs You Are Going To Die Alone

There comes a time in every girl’s life when they realize the best times in life are behind them and that it’s all going downhill from there. Unfortunately for me, that time is now, at the ripe age of 26 years old.

Here are some sure-fire signs that you, too are going to die alone:

1.    You get invited to dinner at 8 pm and decline because you can’t drink liquids after 7 pm due to your overactive bladder. Instead, you end up eating chocolate pudding because it’s both a liquid and a solid, killing 2 birds with one stone.

2.    You are very seriously considering getting a catheter for daily use.

3.    You panic when you realize it’s 9:30 and you are nowhere close to being in bed… Even on the weekends.

4.    You rank your dog in your list of top five friends.

5.    You pop a sleeping pill at 9 pm on a Friday night, WHILE you have guests over.

6.   The only thing you have to look forward in life is next week's episode of Parenthood.

7.    Your guests fall asleep on your couch while you are in the middle of telling a story that only you find hilarious but you continue to tell the story to your cat anyway, cracking up the entire time.

8.    Your guests wake up from their nap and complain of having cat hair in the throat.

Forgive his poor spelling, English is not his first language.

 

Anyway, better get going - my bladder is on the verge of exploding.

A Tribute To The Ranger

Today I had to deal with the loss of one of my oldest friends, the beloved Ranger. Although I know he is in a better place with almost any other driver in the entire world, I mourn his loss greatly. I will never forget the way he blasted his piping hot heat in my face, the way he ran over curbs without even flinching, and the way he took it like a champ every time I ran his delicate little head into a pole.

With the exception of all the times he has broken down in the middle of the road, causing other drivers to threaten my life and the way he always seemed to be selfishly guzzling the gas I fed him, he never betrayed me.

We have been through so much together.

Like the time Felisha rammed her car right into the back of us on the way to happy hour and my only concern was missing happy hour…

oops. [her face kills me every time I look at it.]

And the time I ran into the pole at the bank but didn’t bother to check the damage until after driving all the way back home. 

Sorry buddy.

And of course, the death threats I received from my alleged inability to park him. Something along the lines of “If you park like this one more time I will kill you, you stupid sorority bitch.”

I treated him like a Prince because that is what he was and I can only pray his next owner will be as kind to him.

RIP RANGER

From 2005-2013.

You are gone but you will not be forgotten.

Shine bright like a diamond.