Typically I like to think of myself as a pretty relaxed, worry-free gal thanks to my anti-anxiety pills mixed with the alcohol that is constantly running through my veins but I can’t deny the fact that traffic really gets me heated. I work only 10 minutes from my apartment to avoid having to attend weekly anger management sessions but this morning it took me damn near two hours to get to work.
About fifteen minutes into my travel, I hadn’t even been able to move an inch so I grabbed a wine bottle from the collection I keep in my back seat for emergencies like such and chugged just enough to keep me sane. To be clear, I have excellent work ethic and would never normally consider drinking before work but I figured I’d sober up by the time I got there so why not?
Thirty minutes later, I had moved just barely 2 car links and finished one whole bottle of wine. (It was white wine, you judgmental asshole.) I was feeling pretty buzzed when I rolled up next to a real dream boat of a man dressed in his finest business professional attire so I rolled my window down and motioned for him to roll his down too so I could holler at him. Despite my uncombed hair, he rolled it down and I asked if I could climb into his car for a bit since the traffic wasn’t moving. For some reason, he seemed a little put off by my request but before he could answer, I was in his car anyway. You gotta be aggressive, ya heard?
Anyway, one thing led to the next although I can’t put a finger on exactly what things they were because I blacked out for a bit -- but the next thing I know, we are making out pretty hard. At this point, I am confident that marriage is most certainly in our future when he opens the passenger door and literally kicked me out of his car onto the toll way. It seems we had moved quite a bit because my car was miles behind me and people were honking at the stalled vehicle.
Feeling a little hung over, I sprinted back to my car and finally started making some progress on the road. I was only about 4 minutes away from work at this point but felt it was only appropriate to keep drinking to avoid the hangover so I grabbed another bottle of wine and started chugging away. Drunk again and only seconds away from work, I pulled over on the side of the highway as I am adamantly against drunk driving and called my coworker to come pick me up and take me the rest of the way to work.
I showed up at 10 am, just 2 hours late and only slightly intoxicated. I don’t feel great about this morning’s commute but at least I didn’t run anyone off the road this time so I think my life coach would be proud.