Woke up super early this morning (which for me classifies as anything longer than 30 minutes before I need to walk out the door) in order to tend to my hangov -- I mean, loyal readers. As for those readers that are also my coworkers, you should probably know that I still will not be showering this morning and likely won't bother to switch out my makeup from yesterday. I'M KIDDING. (I'm not.)
Last night was a pretty typical weeknight; got off work, went to the bar, had 7 drinks, remained sober and went home to knit tiny scarves for premature kittens. While at the bar, I was offered a significant amount of money ( $987,999.82 ) to perform an emergency brain surgery on a very high profile figure whose name I can not disclose. I was asked because I was born with the knowledge and ability to perform every surgery known to man with nothing but my bare hands. I found this out when I was 4 and my Grandma needed an open heart surgery; my family was hesitant to let me cut her open at first as I was only a child and I had never had any sort of training but after showing them my plan of action on a nearby orange, they realized I was the only girl for the job. My grandma died on the table after the initial cut but that is irrelevant to this particular story. Anyway, I decided to pass on the surgery because I was knee-deep in a game of darts but the point here is that I have proven to have a highly sought after talent. Sure, my brother and sister can sing duets together beautifully in church while I sit on the sidelines, but I PERFORM SURGERIES.
Today I plan to kill it at work as usual and then learn how to use this little gem people keep referring to as "Twitter." Apparently I am way behind the times on this one so wish me luck.