Recipe For Healthy Living

While all of you weaklings are getting the flu, I am heading to work day in and day out to pick up your slack.  I specifically didn’t get my flu shot in an attempt to miss a few days of work but I can’t catch a cold to save my life; with the exception of severe hangovers and hypochondria I haven’t been sick in years. With that being said, I have put together a guide for healthy living for you.

1.Wash your hands as little as possible.

Frankly I only wash my hands when:

a)      They are visibly dirty

b)      Somebody else is in the bathroom with me and I feel obligated to

c)       I see somebody that is very unattractive and feel like I got dirty by looking at them

You people are overwashing your hands and it's got to stop!

2. Eat like a 6 year old with really fat parents.

I am the pickiest eater in the world. (Fact: I have never even tried mayonnaise or mustard. Condiments legitimately terrify me.) People may think I have very unhealthy eating habits but I think the exact opposite. Here is what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: DONUTS. (get em in my mouth)

Lunch: Skip it. We are trying to get healthy here, not fat.

Dinner: Cheese fries (Lose the green onions. In fact, stay away from green all together)

I also randomly eat chips and candy throughout the day and ice-cream at night.

3. Avoid exercise

It’s a scam.

4. Drink alcohol in excess.

This stuff is basically a liquid vitamin. I’m not suggesting you drink like I do (Fact: I have the alcohol tolerance of a bear) but I am suggesting you throw back a bottle of vodka weekly. This is not only good for physical health but also mental health.

Chugging vitamins.

5. Sleep 10-12 hours a night.

If you have trouble sleeping, see #4 and add sleeping pills.

 

There you have it folks! Feel free to print this out and hang it on your fridge.