While all of you weaklings are getting the flu, I am heading to work day in and day out to pick up your slack. I specifically didn’t get my flu shot in an attempt to miss a few days of work but I can’t catch a cold to save my life; with the exception of severe hangovers and hypochondria I haven’t been sick in years. With that being said, I have put together a guide for healthy living for you.
1.Wash your hands as little as possible.
Frankly I only wash my hands when:
a) They are visibly dirty
b) Somebody else is in the bathroom with me and I feel obligated to
c) I see somebody that is very unattractive and feel like I got dirty by looking at them
You people are overwashing your hands and it's got to stop!
2. Eat like a 6 year old with really fat parents.
I am the pickiest eater in the world. (Fact: I have never even tried mayonnaise or mustard. Condiments legitimately terrify me.) People may think I have very unhealthy eating habits but I think the exact opposite. Here is what I ate yesterday:
Lunch: Skip it. We are trying to get healthy here, not fat.
I also randomly eat chips and candy throughout the day and ice-cream at night.
3. Avoid exercise
It’s a scam.
4. Drink alcohol in excess.
This stuff is basically a liquid vitamin. I’m not suggesting you drink like I do (Fact: I have the alcohol tolerance of a bear) but I am suggesting you throw back a bottle of vodka weekly. This is not only good for physical health but also mental health.
5. Sleep 10-12 hours a night.
If you have trouble sleeping, see #4 and add sleeping pills.
There you have it folks! Feel free to print this out and hang it on your fridge.