Thursday, November 29, 2012

Recipe For Healthy Living

While all of you weaklings are getting the flu, I am heading to work day in and day out to pick up your slack.  I specifically didn’t get my flu shot in an attempt to miss a few days of work but I can’t catch a cold to save my life; with the exception of severe hangovers and hypochondria I haven’t been sick in years. With that being said, I have put together a guide for healthy living for you.

1.Wash your hands as little as possible.
Frankly I only wash my hands when:
a)      They are visibly dirty
b)      Somebody else is in the bathroom with me and I feel obligated to
c)       I see somebody that is very unattractive and feel like I got dirty by looking at them
You people are overwashing your hands and it's got to stop!

2. Eat like a 6 year old with really fat parents.
I am the pickiest eater in the world. (Fact: I have never even tried mayonnaise or mustard. Condiments legitimately terrify me.) People may think I have very unhealthy eating habits but I think the exact opposite. Here is what I ate yesterday:

Breakfast: DONUTS. (get em in my mouth)
Lunch: Skip it. We are trying to get healthy here, not fat.

Dinner: Cheese fries (Lose the green onions. In fact, stay away from green all together)
I also randomly eat chips and candy throughout the day and ice-cream at night.

3. Avoid exercise
It’s a scam.

4. Drink alcohol in excess.
This stuff is basically a liquid vitamin. I’m not suggesting you drink like I do (Fact: I have the alcohol tolerance of a bear) but I am suggesting you throw back a bottle of vodka weekly. This is not only good for physical health but also mental health.
Chugging vitamins.
5. Sleep 10-12 hours a night.
If you have trouble sleeping, see #4 and add sleeping pills.

There you have it folks! Feel free to print this out and hang it on your fridge.


Kayla Peveler said...

Bahaha you crack me up. So glad you stumbled across my blog a few days ago, this was awesome.

that margarita looks incredible!

smk053078 said...

LOL!!! This was a riot! And girl, you have to add green onions to those cheese fries....come on!!! And who really exercises these days??? Such a fun post. Thanks for stopping by today!

Brittni said...

That was hilarious! Maybe I need to jump on your plan of attack!

Fly Me Away said...

I thought it was 2 bottles of vodka a week! That's where I went I wrong !

*LO* said...

you are hysterical!!!

i too have never tried those condiments, as well as ketchup!