Solid Dating Advice

Listen up, ladies because I’m about to give you some real helpful advice. After years of experience in ruining the lives of young men all around the world, I think it’s safe to say I’m pretty much a relationship expert. I have dated my fair share of seemingly strong-willed young gentlemen in my years and in just one week’s time, successfully turned them all into self loathing losers who can barely survive without me.

Now I know what you are thinking: “HOW DOES SHE DO IT?” and the answer is simple: I treat the men in my life with the utmost disrespect and constantly remind them how their lives would be in shambles without me. I am here today to persuade you ladies out there to do the same and with just a few helpful hints, you too can have men flocking to you.

1. Emasculate him! If his car is broken, go fix it! Of course you probably won’t really know how to fix it so go ruin it some more but be sure you use lots of tools while doing it so it looks legit. Make sure all of his neighbors see you so they judge your man for being such a deadbeat and not fixing it on his own. If he tries to fix something for you, be sure to constantly butt in and tell him he is doing it wrong.
2. Hit on his friends. Fat friends, ugly friends, cute friends, freckly friends: who really cares as long as it’s right in front of him. A fair warning: After a few drinks, you may feel inclined to kiss one of his friends but believe me when I say, you would be taking it just one step too far with that one. If you MUST kiss his friends while he is around, wait until he turns around to get you a drink at the bar and then go for it!
3. Control him. Put him on a point system to ensure he is staying in line. He will earn positive points for doing things such as giving you gifts, making you dinner and cleaning your car but will lose points for things such as not calling you the moment he gets off work or failing to bring you your daily flowers. Agree on a number of points he must be above at all times or else you will kick him to the curb and kill his whole family. (Joking about the last part, jeez.)
4. Make him do as much manual labor as possible. Don’t consider him your boyfriend so much as your personal slave, ladies. Have a flat tire? Make him fix it! Don’t have a flat tire? Pop your tire and make him fix it! You should have a new task for him daily that way he won’t have time to stray.
5. Expect him to listen to every detail of your oh-so interesting day but when he tries to talk, hang up on him and later claim your phone died. If he is with you in person, say things like “WOW!” and “GREAT STORY!” as sarcastically as possible so he quickly realizes that nothing he has to say is important.

If you follow these simple little tips, you will be on your way to relationship bliss in no time. If you try these and your man still leaves you, you were either way too nice and already ruined your relationship or you are just really, really unattractive.

My current boyfirend. Don't act like you're not impressed.