Happy Monday, friends! This weekend was pretty successful considering I was only sober about 10% of the time and this work week is only 2 days long so instead of my typical Monday morning frown, I am sporting a half smile today.
Saturday night I went to grab dinner and drinks with two friends and although we were going to enjoy a little girl time, we were being bombarded by men trying to date us all night long. We were polite at first but after a while, it was getting out of hand and we had to start taking matters into our own hands by acting as repulsive as possible to try to repel these masses of men.
I have already shared some solid dating advice with you but what you may also need to know is how to get these guys running for the hills when you're uninterested. The first step we took was to head to the bathroom to dampen our underarms in an attempt to appear sweaty and grotesque. I figured this alone would do the trick but shortly after doing this, we were delivered 2 shots each and some adorable baby rabbits which we later fed to Kendall’s dog. (The rabbits of course, not the shots) Clearly the fake sweat wasn’t enough so we placed dozens of giant framed cat photos which I happened to have on hand in front of us because let’s face it, nobody likes a cat lady. This tactic weeded out some of the crowd out but others were using the framed cats as conversation starters so we were forced to start straight up spitting in the faces of the men pursuing us. This idea seemed to work just fine and we were able to continue the rest of our night in peace.
The next morning we were still pretty parched so we headed to brunch to enjoy some mimosas and bloody mary’s and while we were there we learned that a holiday festival would be going on a little later so we decided to stick around. When the festival started, I was chosen among the crowd to dress up as Mrs. Clause and entertain the kids. Having had only 13 drinks at this point, I figured I was sober enough for the job so I got geared up and headed to perform.
When I realized that I had zero speaking parts and was expected to just stand around and look jolly, I was pretty steaming mad to say the least. I have tons of great qualities to offer and I certainly didn’t appreciate this slap in the face so I drugged Santa Clause and stole his script. Still unhappy with the amount of stage time I would be receiving, I decided to create my own script which happened to be a slightly skewed reenactment of the Holocaust where I played the roles of Hitler and Santa Clause interchangeably throughout the play.
Unfortunately, I was kicked off the stage halfway though the play thanks to several weak minded parents that seemed to find my skit to be “confusing” and “inappropriate” for children. We were physically removed shortly after that for reasons I am still unsure of but ultimately, I think it was a great Sunday.