The Day I Stole Your Kids From Recess

I took the day off today in order to catch up on a few household chores which have been neglected over the past few weeks.  While I had originally planned to do them myself like the strong and capable woman that I am, I later realized how selfish that would be when there are thousands of elementary students just dying to break out of school.

I woke up early this morning and dressed to impress per usual: black sweat pants and my new Lisa Frank unicorn sweatshirt (I can’t deny the fact that I looked amazing despite my attempt to tone my beauty down a notch to appear less eye catching) and headed to the nearest elementary school to capture a few unsuspecting kids at recess.

I was lucky enough to locate some unattended children playing freeze tag fairly quickly; their deadbeat teacher was too busy chatting with another teacher to notice me. There were 5 kids in all but one of them had a snotty nose and was missing a front tooth and frankly I didn’t have the stomach to look at him a moment longer so I left him behind but grabbed the other 4 and put them in the back of my truck to head home. I made only one stop at the gas station for some Red Bull and cigarettes to reward the kids with later.

Upon arriving home, I found all of the kids crying and treating me as if I were some sort of monster for giving them a day off from school. Needless to say, I considered this pretty ungrateful and immature so I chain smoked all 4 packs of cigarettes since they clearly didn’t deserve it, and began delegating some chores to each of them. 

Who knew kids could be so worthless? Right off the bat, I noticed one kid attempting to clean my toilet with Windex! The nerve of this kid! I punished him by making him take 3 large gulps of Windex, splashing a little more in his eyes, and then allowed him to continue cleaning; never having any more issues with that particular kid again. The other three kids seemed to be a little bit more intelligent and were able to get the place looking pretty orderly in just a little over an hour so they were rewarded with Red Bulls and permitted to walk my dog for me.

They came back from walking Riley and were practically bouncing off the walls at this point - apparently it is not wise to feed children energy drinks but you live, you learn. It was almost 3 at this point and about time to get the kiddos back to school but not before having the awards ceremony to recognize those who pulled their weight and to punish those who slacked off.

To protect the children’s privacy, I will not use their real names but instead call them Jim, Jack, John and Jake. Jake was the obvious loser since he was tasked with cleaning the windows and left them streaky so he needed to be reprimanded for being so careless. I allowed each of the other children to spit on him just once while I held him down and then we put Riley’s choke collar on him and I had the kids each take turns running and pulling him behind them. It was a real hoot to watch and the kids just ate it up. I was practically their hero at this point; each kid probably wanting me to adopt them as my own – but a girl only has so much space. Jim was by far the best cleaner of the group so I gave him a 6 pack of beer and packed them all back up in the back of the truck to return them safely and only slightly drunk to school.

I came home to a tidy apartment without having to lift a finger and finally realized what having offspring was all about. I realized today what a disservice I was doing to America for not having popped out my own children yet since it's obvious that mothering comes so naturally to me.  Have no fear: One day I will have 5-6 kids of my very own but for now, feel free to reach out to me for babysitting needs and/or parenting tips and I will get back to you as soon as my schedule allows.

(PS: I would like to give a shout out to my own mother for teaching me that a little physical and verbal abuse goes along way.)